Social cohesion from the Portuguese countryside

 I've been trying to find a way to recreate the social cohesion of the Portuguese countryside in other places

I’m trying to recreate a general vibe, a way of interacting with other people that is very characteristic of the place I grew up in.

Defining the vibe to strive for:

(I will consciously refer to ways of interacting that are not exclusive to this social group and ignore its shortcomings for the sake of simplicity)

Where I am from, people show up for each other and keep their social promises.

You need help moving stuff? They show up.

You need help building stuff? They show up.

You invite them for dinner? They show up.

You wanna chill for hours on end? They show up.

You wanna play football? They show up.

They say they are showing up? They show up.

People enjoy each other's company and will prolong the times when they are together to their absolute limit. This is a very important point of this vibe: the prolonging of the times together as a signal of full attention on that moment and its enjoyment.

They don’t leave others behind. A friend is never left behind.

(Important note: As I write this, I am realizing that the characteristics I am describing refer to my group of friends and family more than it does to specific geolocation because I can think of other groups of friends from the same place who do not share these values. The presence of groups like mine nonetheless seems to be more prevalent in the Portuguese countryside than in any other geographical area whose culture I’ve experienced to date.)

Summary of the kind of social cohesion I’m attempting to replicate:

• People show up for each other;

• They enjoy being with each other; (and show it by prolonging the times together/not running somewhere else)

• They don’t leave others behind;

• They keep social promises;

• They regard time together almost as sacred; (will put spending time with each other over other things they have to do. This is displayed as openness to spontaneity)

• Being with other’s is an activity in itself;

I’m aware that this is not the only kind of social cohesion that exists, but it is the one I’m interested in.

Places I’ve been able to recreate it:

Apart from interactions with friends ens family from my hometown, the only place/time when I was able to recreate this type of social cohesion over a long period of time (6 months) was during Erasmus.

This makes a lot of sense because we essentially lived in a small village of students (metaphorically). We lived in a small student residence with maybe a dozen apartments filled with other Erasmus students and everything happened there and between the same people, as if we lived in our own isolated village inside the city. My group of friends displayed all the characteristics of the Portuguese countryside social cohesion.

Short terms displays of this kind of camaraderie are much easier to create than long-term ones. I’ve been able to create dozens of those: over dinners, vacations, work projects, afternoons, while meeting strangers, etc

How I feel like people raised in the city are different:

• More individualistic;

• Don’t take time with others as sacred; (more often than not they would rather be doing something else)

• Don’t try to prolong time with each other to the absolute maximum; (always wanting to go somewhere else, meet more/other people, etc)

• Simply being in the presence of friends isn’t enough for them; (there must always be some kind of activity happening, a cool thing to look at, a cool place to be, etc)

• They don’t keep social promises; (someone from the city saying that they will show up to your dinner is worthless because they can cancel at any time)

A part of me feels like I am one of those people who are in love with an old ex that no longer exists because she changed. But at the same time I see glimpses of people looking for this exact kind of social cohesion everywhere I go. People are desperate for it.

If people who were not raised in the Portuguese countryside are desperate to experience and be part of the kind of social cohesion we have there, then I don’t think I’m looking for an old ex.

The need for it this kind of social cohesion is very real and felt across ages and geographies.

How to replicate it:

The first step is to live by these values yourself: it will be worthless to try to create something around beliefs you don’t live by. If you leave others behind, don’t keep social promises, show up for others, enjoy being with them, try to maximize time together, and take that time together almost as sacred, nothing else matters.

Step 1: Be the kind of person who lives by the Portuguese countryside social cohesion values;

Then you have to find someone else who lives by those values, 1 person is enough.

Step 2: Find one more person who lives by those values;

If you can’t find a single person who does, then skip to step 3.

Step 3: Interact with everyone according to those values. This will lead people to understand that that is the way in which you operate and start interacting with you in the same way.

This part is extremely frustrating because it will take a long while before people understand that you want to be treated in the way you are treating them (you gotta take some punches in the stomach). This is why finding someone else who already lives by these values is important: you will have someone who is already on the same page as you and with whom you can coordinate.

Step 4: After interacting with those close to you according to your values for a while, start explicitly talking about those values.

Be like a priest preaching the values of Jesus to the sinners. (but in a very friendly way. If you act like you are better than them in any way, they will tell you to f off)

Step 5: Identify the people who are actually interested in living by those values and coordinate heavily with them.

It’s extremely important that everyone is having a blast (that is the whole point of this social cohesion thing: have fun and feel belonging)

Note:

It’s important to emphasize how starved people are for this kind of shit. In addition to feeling amazing (at least I do) by socializing according to these values, people will thank you for doing so because some of them have never experienced this kind of camaraderie and you are literally expanding their awareness of social dynamics.

I’ve yet to meet a single person who experienced these values and thought they were not worth it.

Why don’t more people do it if it is so good:

Because we are selfish. This kind of social cohesion involves giving others a kind of value that we might not be ready to give yet. I have fallen victim to the selfish prioritization of myself over others in times when I shouldn’t have time and time again.

Am I saying we need to always put others above ourselves and prioritize time with them above anything else? No, that’s dumb. There is a time and place for everything.

What I am saying is that if you truly value spending time with others, you’ll find that there are a lot more opportunities to be with them than you might initially think.